Wednesday, December 5, 2012

"Greater": Ready to Drop My Net


 
“At once they left their nets and followed Him”. –Matthew 4:20 NIV84
“For Jesus’ disciples, burning the plows meant leaving their fishing nets and boats” (Matthew 4:18-22). So, what is my net? What am I going to burn or leave behind in order to experience the greater life God has designed for me?  When posed with this question, I first began looking for something tangible-something I could physically “burn” or get rid of.  But for me, it isn’t something I can go pick up and toss into the fire and it be gone forever. In fact, I wish it was. That would be easier. But no, it’s emotional. It’s something within me and it is fear. It’s a total lack of confidence in my abilities to be greater and to do greater things in life. I continually compare myself to others. There is always this little voice, or apparently loud and overpowering voice saying “you aren’t good enough”, “others are better than you, let them handle it”, “you’re going to mess up, spare yourself the embarrassment.” I say this voice is overpowering because it wins every time. It keeps me from approaching people. It keeps me from doing things I have a passion for. I may go halfway, but I never go all the way because fear stops me and I return to my comfort zone.
There are things I have accomplished. Fear didn’t keep me from going to college and getting a degree. It did, however, keep from attending a bigger college like Oklahoma State University or University of Oklahoma. But I went, and I’m glad did. I even went back to school to work on my masters degree in counseling psychology, but even then as I continued my courses, that voice was always there…”these are lives and minds you’re going to be working with. What if you don’t make them better, but you make them worse?” Though this was something I wanted to do so badly, I never believed I could be successful at it. So when I met the man, whom I am married to now, and moved to Wyoming, I was okay with quitting school. I wasn’t going to be a good counselor, and besides I didn’t need to take out more loans for school, especially if all I would do was hurt rather than help the people I would work with. That was a plausible excuse for me. It’s hard to be this honest and open to whoever may read this, but this is good for me. I’ve always known this about myself, but to actually write it out, to be given the question “What has kept you from doing greater things with your life?” and having to come up with the answer, and knowing what the answer is, that’s hard.
I think if you knew me personally, you would probably think I wasn’t being very honest. I don’t think I come across as an insecure person. But that’s just it; I’m being very honest, and finally honest with myself. This week I’ve really faced the facts. I’ve let fear control a lot of my life. The things I have done, I’ve made myself do, but it’s never been easy. There has always been a fight within myself to do certain things, for example, apply for jobs, go on job interviews, volunteer, start a business (this is another one of those things I’ve only done halfway). Even starting this blog was hard for me. Every time a make a new post, I get sick to my stomach, and the voice starts once again.
As I read the discussions on Melissa’s Blog, I clearly see I’m not alone. There are several of us that face this fear or lack of confidence in our abilities. But as I prayed this morning, it hit me, when I question myself, when I question my abilities, when I question whether or not I can do something God has so clearly put in my heart to do, I’m not only questioning myself, I’m questioning God.  I love this quote by Anne Ortlund, “Whatever God asks you to be, He enables you to be.” I know God’s been speaking to my heart for some time now, but I was never ready to drop and burn my net, mainly because I never knew what it was. Well, no more excuses,  I know what it is now, and I’m ready to let it go. Did God say it would be easy? No. Did He say I wouldn’t face rejection, embarrassment or ridicule? No. But He did say I can do it, and He’s telling me to go. 
So today I ask for forgiveness. Lord, forgive me for letting fear control my life. I’m ready to drop my net. I know it’s not going to be easy, but with You it’s possible. Walk with me always, and give me the strength to do what You ask me to do. Amen.

 
Rachel


 

9 comments:

  1. Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Rachel, for her honesty and growth. I thank You for blessing her with the ability to help people overcome what may be holding them back. She may not see it now Lord, but a greater gift - to help people be greater for You - she could not pray for.
    I ask that you cover her with Your holy peace, send a heavenly hosts of angels to minister to her Father, calm her fears, give her a glimpse of how You see her. For she is Your precious child, perfect in every way. In Jesus name, Amen.

    Rachel,
    You bless me immensely with your openness. I know it is hard especially for one who used to fear ridicule (see how the past tense is used here - for you are a new creature in Christ). Thank you for taking that step to share.

    Blessings,
    Catherine
    OBS Group Leader

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  2. I so commend your honesty in your post. I wish (and pray) that I will have than within me one day soon. Have you ever heard the saying 'You're your own worst critic'? I've so found that to be true within myself. It's so easy to criticize ourselves, I do it all the time. I have reassuring 'moments' when I hear from God or someone close and dear to me. I mean, just last night my 18 year old daughter read my blog for the first time and posted on fb how she was inspired by ME! I felt elated and moments later, I was wrestling with my inner enemy questioning what I'm doing, why and how? I can't even admit my truth about my net...I know they're my insecurities but, I know something even deeper and I'm scared to admit it...scared of judgement and all that comes with it. You inspire me to think about that...even though it will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Thank you.
    God Bless
    Becky

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  3. Rachel I appreciate your boldness. I too have that problem with comparing myself. I'm doing much better after the study of Unglued and find that it is getting better each study. Loving this one. I have been trying to start a blog too. Well I have a page, but not there yet being comfortable to post. I have one partially written for this week but don't think it will get finished. Thank you for sharing and I am going to do this - lay down that net and let it go.

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing! I pray that He works through all your fears and frees you from any self condemning thought that would keep you from fulfilling His purpose for your life.

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  5. thank you so much for your boldness to share. It was cool to me to because one of the plows i think God is calling me to burn is also not physical... it's a more emotional thing also. So thanks for the encouragement. What a blessing

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  6. Rachel,

    Thanks for sharing your raw emotional "fear" with so many people who feel just like you do. Your words are encouragement to others who have not even been able to go back to college yet. So never forget that the Lord gives us words and an avenue to share Him with the world. The quesion is will we? I believe that you are sharing and making a difference everyday! Continue to be courageous! 1 Cor. 16:13 "Be on watch; stand firm in the fait;, be courageous; be strong." He is always with us and never doubts us, so shut off the little Rachel who doubts herself and embrace the Rachel that Jesus has created you to be; His special and beautiful daughter!

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  7. Rachel- you certainly are not alone in those feelings of self doubt. Carry on!

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  8. Whew Sister, I have tears streaming down my face right now. This was powerful. You are such a blessing in my life. You've inspired me in the short year I have known you in ways you may not know. Your words so often feel like my own. This my friend, is definitely something I struggle with on a daily basis as well. Thank you for putting it all out there. I will pray that you will have the confidence to realize how great you are and that you WILL continue to do great things! Fear will not hold us back, because we have a heavenly Father who believes in our greatness! Love you!

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  9. Whew Sister, I have tears streaming down my face right now. This was powerful. You are such a blessing in my life. You've inspired me in the short year I have known you in ways you may not know. Your words so often feel like my own. This my friend, is definitely something I struggle with on a daily basis as well. Thank you for putting it all out there. I will pray that you will have the confidence to realize how great you are and that you WILL continue to do great things! Fear will not hold us back, because we have a heavenly Father who believes in our greatness! Love you!

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